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Sexual Abuse, The big taboo, still... |
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  Aug 1 2006, 07:40 PM
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Quality Quidditch Supplies Broom Display Artist
Posts: 2,394
Joined: 8:46pm July 29, 2005
Location: Playing backgammon
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Posting in the "Irrationnal Fears" thread, I started wondering...
As anyone else here been confronted by this big, mean, monster? Because in my mind, that's how I pictured sexual abuse. It's a big, mean monster which can destroy someone, espacially a child. And that's how we often picture an abuser too. Until you wake up one day and realise that you've been looking at one for so many years, and he's no big mean monster!
In our case, he's a 15 years old teenager (12 at the beginning of the abuse...) who abused many of his younger family members! He has 5 victims... 4 of which are family members! He ain't ugly or disfigured... I thought he was a normal teenager... Yet, he sexually abused (I mean, think of it, and he did it to my boy's 9 years old cousin...) 5 other kids.
I'll admit he's been on my mind a lot since I found out he was out of juvenile detention. He's been classified as a sex offender with sexual deviency (or something that sounds like that). I know he's under many very strict conditions: can't go anywhere near a family party or any other gathering, public pools, beaches, campings and such are strictly forbidden, he has to be home by 9 O'clock at night and they call to make sure he's there, etc. Still, I wonder, how will I react if I come face to face with him? And what if I'm with my 2˝ years old?... I don't know if he or his mother knows that I know...
Working in a daycare, we've had cases of kids who we knew had been sexually abused and in which cases the social services were involved. We've also dealt with cases where we had suspicions, but nothing to back it up... But it never really "touched ground" so close...
I guess I just need to hear from others. Hear about their experiences, feelings, they way they dealt with it... Did you know the abuser? I mean, the first time I met this kid he was 7 years old... I never, ever would have believed...
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Cédrika, it's been a year... Discover C'Maman Breastfeeding Coach! |
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Aug 2 2006, 10:21 AM
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Rat Spleen Restocker at the Apothecary
Posts: 477
Joined: 1:11pm June 29, 2006
Location: Vancouver Canada
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Minerva31,
Last night I had written a reply about my own experiences for a first hand response. Since my home computer sucks, the reply went off to the Land of Og and is gone forever.
The gist of my reply was to tell you that I very recently got into a discussion with co-workers and somehow we had fallen upon this topic. Since I had worked with these people for a year at this point I divulged a few secrets, glossing over the details, for obvious reasons Some of those details were, I was 9 he was 12. I liked this boy very much and he used that to his advantage. It started off with video games and kid stuff. In the blink of an eye, it wasn't kid stuff anymore.
Anyways, the two men there both told me that what happened to me was perfectly normal and I was being too sensitive and get over it. When I confirmed that they understood that I wasn't playing doctor with this boy nor was I a willing participant, they still maintained that what he did was no big deal. I tried again to make them understand... I said,"If your nine-year-old niece came to you and told you this happened? I also asked the other man (who wants to have kids) "What if it was your daughter? What would you say?"
The first guy didn't answer, he just looked at me, well, how men look at a woman when she is being "unreasonable". I know every woman here knows that headshake/grin look.
Anyways, the second man told me that he had done the same thing to HIS SISTER!! And his sister doesn't blame him because it was normal. His response to my question about his future daughter was...
"I would tell her that the boy is just trying to discover his sexuality and to not take it personally". This is someone who wants to have kids yet I'm weird because I'm undecided. 
Anyways, my point for responding to your post is this. I first want to tell you that I did not tell anyone what happened for years. I grew up in an AfterSchool Special with a drunk for a mother and a father, who was great, but avoided the house like crazy because of my Mom. When my Mom found out she said, "Oh, I would have given that boy some real problems." My response was, "What would you have done? Passed out on their couch instead?" Cruel yes, but it was the truth.
As I said before, everyone knew I had liked this boy. I had been overheard telling him to get lost and was repremanded for being rude and to be nice. I don't blame them for that, 'cause as I said, they didn't know. The numerous times this boy caught me behind the shed, the friends father who flashed me coming out of the shower by "dropping his towel" (also when I was nine). The other numerous situations that happened to me over my younger years were definitely things that shaped my world. To this day, my husband is the only male that I trust. Whenever I find myself alone with a man, no matter how innocent, I always wonder if he is going to take advantage of the situation or whatever. My brain always wanders over to the negative when it comes to human nature. I am very judgemental, I lean towards the aggressive when challenged and have an incredible sarcastic streak (think Snape). The good parts are that I'm very loyal to those close to me, my sarcastic streak lends me a wicked sense of humour (Snape again   )and I am very independant and somewhat fearless.
An example for the way my brain works...
A friend of mine lives with her boyfriend of 6 years, at his parents house while she finishes school. She was heading in to take a shower and his dad said he preferred that she shower upstairs as no one else was in the house. My first thought was "I beg your pardon? What the hell was he planning on doing?" She told me his reasoning was, he couldn't hear if she fell in the shower to help her. I still think it's weird but I can understand where he was coming from.
To wrap up my long-winded email, I don't know what the boy's homelife was like nor do I care. I have done my work in therapy blah, blah blah  and have let much of my past go but I will NEVER forget what happened. The positive to all of this is that I am not naive and clueless. I can see signs in people that others can't, of impending trouble. Maybe that is good or bad, I don't know. It is who I am now and I've learned to live with it.
You are more than welcome to contact me if you want to talk but I can obviously only speak for myself. I have met many other people who are much angrier than I am and/or fearful of their pasts.
Julie W
This post has been edited by coach: Aug 3 2006, 08:08 AM
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Aug 3 2006, 05:52 AM
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Quality Quidditch Supplies Broom Display Artist
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QUOTE(calalily @ Aug 3 2006, 05:09 AM) [snapback]902217[/snapback]
Unfortunately, judges believe that the younger the victim, the easier they get over it - which is ludicrous. Often times an offender will get 3 years for a 2 year old, but 8 years for a 10 year old. It's insane.
What gets to me most is to see that very often, people will get more time if they are caught using drugs then if they kill someone because they were drunk and driving or abusing a child... It sometimes feels like a part of the old mentality is still pretty much alive of just shoving sexual abuse under a carpet, it wil disappear... 
2 days ago, there was another report on the news. It's not a child, it's a young adult woman, early 20's, who was gang-raped. She was in a gang and wanted out. About 15 of htem raped her and even filmed it! When she finaly got away and back to her family, her parents called the cops. The first one to get there simply told her she should stop using drugs and took her to "Le Chainon", and left her there without any intentions on following up on her rape! It was only when her father called bakc and finaly got through to a sex crime unit that something finaly did happen! It's a bit like this old saying "She searched for it"... That's also what someone I know got. Her case went to court and everything, but the rapists were freed because it wasn't proved they had used GHB in her drink. The prossecusion had not wanted for her to have a blood test becasue she had sayd she'd had a glass of wine and they feared that the alcohol in her blood would be bad for their case. Well, she was pictured almost as a w**** by the defense lawyers... She'd been raped by 2 men she "knew": one very well known in the community and the other... a cop.
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Cédrika, it's been a year... Discover C'Maman Breastfeeding Coach! |
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Aug 3 2006, 09:00 AM
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WhizzHard Books Copy Editor
Posts: 2,152
Joined: 12:18pm July 22, 2005
Location: Reading KSK, Deadspin, TheBigLead, and the Fanhouse.
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Hello everybody. I'm dropping this note to set some ground rules for this topic. Here they are:
Do not include personal identification of victims or assailants in you comments, this is in the spirit of rule 2, respect privacy. It is possible to have the discussion in this thread without calling people out by name.
Do not post graphic descriptions in your comments. The Lounge is PG-13, and we allow a great deal of leeway along those lines. Again though, it is possible to have this discussion without graphic sexual details. This is covered by the second related section of rule 1.
This cannot turn into a political discussion about the way governments deal with these issues. Some discussion of this aspect will be allowed; but if it turns into a political debate, the topic will be closed. This is covered by the third related section fo rule 1.
Thanks in advance for your cooperation. We do believe this is a valuable topic, and want to allow it to continue. Please keep those notes in mind while you post.
Thanks,
Coach
LL Moderator
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Aug 3 2006, 04:11 PM
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Cauldron Bottom Measurer
Posts: 131
Joined: 5:41pm November 7, 2005
Location: MOM: Writing a complaint about muggle baiting
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QUOTE(harrysjulie @ Aug 2 2006, 03:21 PM) [snapback]901313[/snapback]
The first guy didn't answer, he just looked at me, well, how men look at a woman when she is being "unreasonable". I know every woman here knows that headshake/grin look.
How did you resist the urge of reaching over and scratching his eyes out?! And we are called the irrational sex?! I, too, have lived with unwanted, unasked for touches, thankfully nothing worse than that. But, again, it is such a demeaning position to be in, and, yes, it lives with you forever.
The good of it, is that I am raising a son, now. And when anyone says "stop," we stop. So many of his little friends don't stop, and their mothers just say, "stop" but do nothing. Makes my blood boil! Teach respect, people! (OK rant over)
In the states, you can type in your community to your state police and get a sex offender report for every sex offender that is registered and lives in your community. It will list the name, address, and level of sexual crime. Be warned, it is very frightening to see how many there are! In my old community, 20 of some of the worst criminals were living within 4 blocks of one of our favorite parks! Needless to say, we didn't go to that park anymore. I came to know of this resourse when a registered offender was planning to move into our neighborhood. The police only alerted the four houses around the house he was planning to purchase. There was a daycare three houses down, and a school a field away! The neighborhood swarmed with children! Although illegal, one of the four houses copied the information given to them and posted it all around the neighborhood. It had his picture and other stats on it. Since his identity was "blown" and his right to privacy "ruined" he chose not to move in after all.
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I go into the museum
and look at all the pictures on the walls.
Instead of feeling my own insignificance
I want to go straight home and paint.
Madeleine L'Engle
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Aug 3 2006, 05:13 PM
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Quality Quidditch Supplies Broom Display Artist
Posts: 2,394
Joined: 8:46pm July 29, 2005
Location: Playing backgammon
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QUOTE(accio_brains! @ Aug 3 2006, 04:11 PM) [snapback]902759[/snapback]
Since his identity was "blown" and his right to privacy "ruined" he chose not to move in after all.
I'm sorry but... What right to privacy???????? Someone who sexualy abused another person, wether child or adult has no right to privacy in my opinion! What about our right to be and feel safe? What about our children's right to grow up in a physically and emotionaly secure environment???? *taking a deep breath before I say too much...
Right to privacy... So he can go and sit in a park near by and handpick his next victim???
Though a disturbing news, I'm still glad we were told about what had happen to my spouse's godson, and espacially of who had done it. We know this teenager and now, I know I'll never leave my kid under his watch, even for a second. Not in a million years! And if there are others like him in my neighborhood, I'd like to know! But laws here don't give permission for such notice... Unless things have changed in the last few days...
Edited to had...
I can't be a 100% sure but... Other then Coach, it seems like only women are "willing" to discuss the subject of sexual abuse...
And also, I was wondering... What do you define as sexual abuse? To me, the guy who grabs me by the hips, from behind when I'm on a dance floor and proceeds to press his body against mine and "rub" hisself is, to a lesser degree, abusing me. He never asked if I wanted to dance with him!!! He is invading "my space". This happened to me many time when I was single and going out to dance. I never went to a club to "meet" someone. I love dancing, period. I'm not saying I would press charges on the guy, but he definitly got the general idea of what I thought about his behavior!
To me, the teacher who used to come and take a look inside the girls bathroom in grade school, "to see if we were done changing", was an abuser (I today fear he did more then just show up in our bathrooms...). I think there are different levels of sexual abuse and that the impact on the one being abused (whether children, women or men) is different depending on each individual...
This post has been edited by Minerva31: Aug 3 2006, 09:46 PM
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