Sexual Abuse, The big taboo, still... |
 Nov 28 2006, 11:39 AM
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#31
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Junior Dishwasher at The Leaky Cauldron Posts: 610 Joined: 11:21am March 5, 2005  |
Well, this is a huge problem. And for parents, parents all got to be very carefull with they daughters.
It´s not a matter or being too protective, the problem is the high level of danger. At least in this part of the world (And as far as I know, many others), the 95% of girls and teenage girls had, at least , one experience of sexual abuse, any kind of sexual abuse in their life. And the percentage of girls abused in the highest level is big, too big. The problem is huge, I think there should be radical change of education of the populatinon of men. And, for worst, a percentage of girl are abused by their own fathers, brothers, cousins or uncles. Uyy |
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Nov 28 2006, 12:02 PM
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#32
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Professional Diagon Alley Window Shopper Posts: 64 Joined: 12:25pm October 10, 2006 |
Although many think that girls are in greater danger we need to educate our boys just the same as our girls. We cannot give girls and boys different info. There may be a lot more men who are offenders but there are women out there who are just as bad. Let's just say parents need to be very careful to watch and educating both their boys and girls.
-------------------- "A child's life is like a piece of paper on which everyone who passes by leaves an impression." Chinese Proverb
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Nov 28 2006, 03:01 PM
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#33
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Claw-Clipping Kneazles at the Magical Menegerie Posts: 2,399 Joined: 8:46pm July 29, 2005 Location: Playing backgammon  |
I agree that both boys and girls equally need to be educated. There is a need to teach them what is appropriate and what isn't. It is important to teach them that they can tell an adult if someone has done something they don't like or said things that they feel is wrong.
In my work, we often see children discovering their bodies. And that's ok. I only get concerned if I see that one is pushing it on the other; this implies a more specific talk with that child, alone without other children watching or listening. I use every opportunites to teach the children who ar daily under my care about their bodies and appropriate touch and inappropriate behavior. My personal experience of "sexual" abuse was related in the thread about bad teachers... A male teacher coming in the girls bathrooms way too often... But I lived it in another form. years later as an adult, but it was more psychological. I was in a relationship for 4 years. That person was manipulative... If I was to say no one night because I was tired or felt bad, it was "You never want to do it. You don't care..." to a point that I would give in and let him do what he wanted to do. No fun in it for me... And there was more, but I don't want to get into it. I was an adult, I made a mistake; I stayed too long. A child doesn't have the same knowledge, the same possibility of packing up and leaving. It's our jobe as adults to protect them. I hate those pedophile who claim high and wide that they love children... How sick can you be to believe that what you are doing to a child is to love them when you are destroying they identities, they soul... I'm getting carried away... Sorry. This post has been edited by Minerva31: Nov 28 2006, 03:02 PM -------------------- Vote for Acton Vale, Québec here as many time and no matter where you're from! |
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Nov 28 2006, 03:17 PM
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#34
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Gambol and Japes' Research Department Posts: 1,356 Joined: 1:22am January 6, 2005 Location: In the Kitchen |
No - You're not getting carried away at all. My experiences has definitely affected every part of my life. My ability to relate to other people ~ particularly with men. Trust is a huge deal for me!
Like LadyBluJJ, I don't let it define who I am, and I am a happy person, but there is no denying that I would have been a completely different person had I not gone through that. Don't get me wrong ~ I like me. But I have never had a truly healthy, "free", romantic/sexual relationship, where I felt as if I could completely trust my partner. I know that the main topic we have discussed here has been child sexual abuse, but that doesn't make your experiences with abuse as an adult less important. The fact that you got out of it - got away, and are now married to a wonderful man, and have a loving family is something to celebrate. You are strong. Be proud of that - don't just dismiss it.  Lilly This post has been edited by Lilly: Nov 28 2006, 05:28 PM --------------------  "The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it." |
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Nov 28 2006, 04:18 PM
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#35
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Leaky's Resident Bibliophile Posts: 8,279 Joined: 5:01pm April 18, 2005 Location: Finding Neverland.  |
This is one of my biggest fears: being raped and/or sexually abused by either a family member or a stranger. In fact, I am so paranoid about it, that I make sure I take a friend with me whenever I go to a party, to the mall, anywhere. I also think my fear of being abused effects my relationships. Even though I haven't been abused, I still find it hard to trust guys and even some girls. I'm afraid that they might try and take advantage of me (I'm a small, skinny girl with no strength at all) and that I won't be able to protect myself.
I know as of now I don't have any reason to be afraid *knock on wood*, but I am always watching out and making sure there's nothing that can harm me. I would also like to add that I never realized so many people have been abused when they were younger. My stomach was knotting up as I was reading all of your posts about what happened when you were such-and-such age. I think you all deserve oodles of hugs!  
-------------------- "I know who Harry Potter is. I just don't know who the other two are. Himmie and Roland?"
"No, Grandma, Ron and Hermione." |
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Nov 29 2006, 12:27 AM
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#36
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Professional Diagon Alley Window Shopper Posts: 64 Joined: 12:25pm October 10, 2006 |
For those of you who have been abused; What got you through it?
When I was very young I had playing stringed instruments, the piano, and soccer to help me get all my feelings out. I've learned to talk through some of it too though. When I'm back to having nightmares I know that there's more I need to dig through. Ahhhh-a never ending challenge in life. It could be considered a curse but we CAN use it to strengthen and educate ourselves as well as others. Sometimes I get really P'ed off but I absolutely refuse to let it consume me or turn me into a bitter person. My hope and wish is that everyone learns to hate what these abusers do (and have done to us) but still be able to let it make us stronger. Please don't let it ruin who you have the potential to become (who you are deep down)! This message is for anyone who may need it...I'm not targeting anyone, who posted previously, with this. The truth is that I need to remind myself too. This post has been edited by LadyBluJJ: Nov 29 2006, 12:32 AM -------------------- "A child's life is like a piece of paper on which everyone who passes by leaves an impression." Chinese Proverb
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Nov 30 2006, 02:38 AM
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#37
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Gambol and Japes' Research Department Posts: 1,356 Joined: 1:22am January 6, 2005 Location: In the Kitchen |
What got me through? Reading! I "escaped" into different worlds.
Music also helped, and acting ~ I didn't play any instruments, but I sing and performing in musicals (and plays) was such an amazing way for me to completely get away from everything. I suppose the escape factor is the same - in books the other realities were in my head, but onstage ....well, I might be having a horrible time, but whatever character I was playing was just fine! And even if they weren't, I had the assurance of knowing exactly what the outcome of their "adventures" was going to be! (most of the time! Occassionally another actor onstage would forget their lines and the script would go off on a tangent - but that's for another thread!  ) MonieLou ~ I will never downplay the dangers for someone else, but I felt sadder after your comment than I have in a long time. Yes, be aware. Be safe. But don't let fear cripple you, or stop you from living your life. Quite often, the skills needed to escape or survive an attack doesn't take a lot of physical strength, but intelligence, and stregth of will (and I think that you have already shown that you have a pretty strong character!) Look at some of the Protective Behaviours books or websites ~ they generally have some good techniques and ideas. I am not saying that someone who does get attacked or abused is stupid or weak - obviously - but I would hate to see anyone live any less than the life they should because of something that has, or might happen. (LadyBluJJ put it very well in her last post!) Lilly -------------------- "The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it." |
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Dec 4 2006, 08:48 PM
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#38
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Fudge-Maker at Florean Fortescue's Posts: 2,244 Joined: 9:13pm February 18, 2005 |
QUOTE(MonieLou @ Nov 28 2006, 04:18 PM) [snapback]1016933[/snapback] This is one of my biggest fears: being raped and/or sexually abused by either a family member or a stranger. In fact, I am so paranoid about it, that I make sure I take a friend with me whenever I go to a party, to the mall, anywhere. I also think my fear of being abused effects my relationships. Even though I haven't been abused, I still find it hard to trust guys and even some girls. I'm afraid that they might try and take advantage of me (I'm a small, skinny girl with no strength at all) and that I won't be able to protect myself. I can't relate to you. I'm probably not nearly as afraid as you are, but it's definitely scary. None of the men in my family have ever been sexually abusive, but some have been physically abuse. Thankfully I've never experienced anything.But I've never had any men who've been positive role models in my life. So it makes afraid of interacting with them. Actually, it's prevented from ever even having a boyfriend. Let alone a date.  Intimacy scares, and scared to death of being taken advantage of or getting cheated on.It doesn't help that I found a convicted rapist was interested in me. I hadn't know it at the time. I found out later on. I just decided to look up his profile after I heard he had felony. My Dad told me this because he continued working in this one factory after I'd quit. I'd only worked there 3 days, and some brawd threatened to beat up just because I sat down at lunch table and didn't know the guy was boyfriend. I only sat there because it was big table and it was so empty. Later on I found out 25% of the hired workers were on parole, and some people were fired for smoking crack on the job! Thank God I didn't stay! I don't know why I looked up the information I did. But sure enough, found the :censored: listed on the Sex Offender Registry in my state. But I'm glad I did. You can never be too safe these days. 
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Dec 4 2006, 11:10 PM
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#39
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Masterful Magician of Mind Mazes Posts: 1,967 Joined: 10:39pm June 29, 2005 Location: US |
QUOTE(MonieLou @ Nov 28 2006, 04:18 PM) [snapback]1016933[/snapback] This is one of my biggest fears: being raped and/or sexually abused by either a family member or a stranger. In fact, I am so paranoid about it, that I make sure I take a friend with me whenever I go to a party, to the mall, anywhere. I also think my fear of being abused effects my relationships. Even though I haven't been abused, I still find it hard to trust guys and even some girls. I'm afraid that they might try and take advantage of me (I'm a small, skinny girl with no strength at all) and that I won't be able to protect myself. I know as of now I don't have any reason to be afraid *knock on wood*, but I am always watching out and making sure there's nothing that can harm me. I would also like to add that I never realized so many people have been abused when they were younger. My stomach was knotting up as I was reading all of your posts about what happened when you were such-and-such age. I think you all deserve oodles of hugs! I'm the same way, MonieLou. The thought of being raped or sexually abused terrifies me. Although I don't worry about it from my family or friends, because they're great people, and I completely trust them. But I do worry about strangers. I'm extremely small, so that doesn't help anything. I never go anywhere alone (my parents wouldn't let me even if I wanted to), and I'm very cautious. Overall, I'm not too paranoid about it, just watchful and careful. Also, I just want to echo what MonieLou said. I didn't realize there were so many people who were abused either, and I think it's great that those of you who have posted here about being abused are able to talk about it. I doubt I could be that strong.
--------------------  (Thanks to VoodooPadfoot for the awesome siggie!)Previous member of Room 12 for SS, Chamber 8 for CoS, The Lily and Stag Study for PoA, and Basement Room 10 for GoF. |
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Dec 5 2006, 07:16 AM
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#40
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Wizard Artist Posts: 2,942 Joined: 1:36pm August 4, 2006 Location: Amsterdam, The Netherlands, Europe |
What got you through it?
How to answer, this is going to be tough: I don’t know how I did it. I just shut down and disassociated myself as if it happened to someone else. I know it further contributed to issues that I wanted no one to touch me - ever. I had too many situations that I wished I could have screamed out for help. When I finally did, the therapists denied that it happened. They refused to believe that something like that could happen in their fine community. Then when I tried to get help again from people later in life - they couldn't prosecute the perpetrator, because they were a major donor to ........... Then, when I got the police involved when I was raped, my biological parents had the case dropped. I walked out of the home, was expelled from high school, and was barely surviving. I had to live with some college students. I worked as a dishwasher until I had another social service help me. What they did instead was place me in a worse situation, one of which I can’t discuss on Leaky for my own protection. Then I finally got away from it when I was 18. However, life in LA was more than tough. One shelter program I had one of the boys tell me to not go in: that the owner was making the men into street hustlers. So many nights I just slept on the street. This happened because of my looks. I was quite handsome. Many times in my life I have made myself look as ugly as possible so people would leave me alone. After I got my face cut up by a gang in LA, I lost most of the unwanted attention. I still have a hard time having a regular handsome look, because I get so much attention for all the wrong reasons. When you are molested as I was at 4 (by someone who was 47), then 8 (by someone who was 11), then 13 (by someone who was 78), and 15 (raped by someone who was 27), it damages you. All of these people had a history of sexual abuse with others, as well as being sexually abused. It's just that none of them sought help for it. Sometimes when people are involved with you in a relationship, you feel at times you can’t handle their touches. This is further complicated because I do have Autism. I would have had a completely different life. I can’t say I have had any real decent counseling for it, because as a guy – we are supposed to be strong about this. This is part of why I dealt with so much denial from counselors. They just could not believe that women molested men, either. They think – what kind of man are you? I was a child! I did not have the skills at that time to protect myself, like I can now as an adult. I have more than once punched someone for touching me – but I developed these not so fine skills later in life. I also have to defend my female friends when we go out to the straight Night Clubs. Most of the time the guys will stay away when they see them with me; except for guys who just want to fight – of which I have had to deal with several times in my life – just to get my female friends in a cab safe and far away from some creepy people. The main issue people face with it is when they do try to get help. I am glad that Social Services have improved since the 1970’s – but they don’t help boys who are molested. There is a stigma placed on them: that the boy asked for it. It’s un-manly to have been molested. You regret ever mentioning it. All the counselors do is place information in your file that is opposite of what you told. That is my experience with it. Then they feel since you were molested, that you will become one later in life. Sorry to blow that myth out the window. Many of us are so disgusted with anyone who does that sort of behavior, that we do everything we can to protect others from having harm come to them. I date people who are my age or older. I am social friendly to younger people, but tell them to go date someone their age. I feel I lost out in life – but I don’t live my life through others. I have always been very much myself. Possibly I get it from having to get comfortable with so much time alone – that I don’t find it a problem. I think the picture of my life would be quite different than me just being an Artist with 2 loving kittens, an Adopted family, a few good reliable friends, and too many acquaintances (happens in a city like Amsterdam). Every partner who wanted me to be honest about my past split on me when I told them the real story – People don’t want to think that people could survive such situations. They don’t look at it as character. They think I am all messed up because of it. Actually, I got over most of the issues about it when I was younger – without therapy. I had to do my own reading and researching to help myself out. Do you think I was going to wait around for a counselor to get out of their denial? No way – it’s my life. I am very pro-active about this, because I did not have the backing of a real family. I have been on my own, even as a child, raising myself while this other family went on as if I was a ghost. I learned about the ugly side of life, and not enough of what makes life good. Now my life is good, humble…but I have more respect for myself than I did in the past. The only issues I still have is making myself un-attractive to not have people latch onto me, and when I do actually do something with my looks – to learn some decent skills to deal with unwanted attention. I know you can get through life, even though it happened to you. It’s just better if you never mention to anyone it happened to you. I know people say you should be out in the open about it. I know about the cycle, but the cycle also starts with people, and stops with people. Also the cycle doesn't start up with people. I had the cycle of being a victim, and not knowing I had the ability to get help and get some real protection. I wished I would have known how to punch when I was younger, then I could have prevented all of it from happening. I might have had a youth criminal record of violence, but I would have preferred that, then the stigma I have now. My biological parents were so scared of my anger that they did everything they could to break my spirit. This left me vulnerable to predators. I did not ask for it, or the stigma to carry through the rest of my life. Society doesn't look at women as rapists - they look as men who were molested as rapists. How am I supposed to be that, when I haven't had sex with women since I was 24 - yet I am stuck with that stigma? I think young guys are yucky – I always tell them,” I’m not your daddy, go find someone else to mooch on.” Just because they are guys, doesn't mean I am attracted to them. Same with straight men – I don’t understand gay guys who go after straight men. I have turned down gorgeous men because they were so high, and so full of ego there was nothing to connect to. I have to clue you in. Just because I am gay now, doesn't mean I would grab anyone. That is also a myth about the gay world. That people are so desperate and depraved they would do anything for physical contact. Maybe if you live in the exciting world of TV and myth. In reality, if you are over 40, you are not seen as physically desirable. Since I have always liked older big men, I don't have an interest in younger people at all. Hate to blow all those myths out. I can't picture myself taking advantage of a 45-year-old bodybuilder. I get bored easy. People can't understand how it is that I can go out, and turn down people, and go home alone. I also can in 20 minutes or less go out in a bar and have my date for the evening: I am hated by many people for it. Even at 41 I turn heads when I go out, but I prefer to hang with my straight friends, because we have great times in the Night Clubs dancing to great DJ’s. The gays think I am a weirdo. I am just selective about who I come into contact. For a person with Autism - we pick up on more vibrations from people. I have to watch who I let into my life because I can't take all the information overload at times if they are all messed up on drugs and alcohol. People hate me because if I date, I want them to not drink or be high - I want to know that they really are being themselves and are not lying to me. I get accused by my gay friends for being a bore and not being superficial enough. Great= that sounds like a real achievement to aspire to. Sure, I have had people who were drunk out of their mind, which I got them cabs but did not go with them. I had guests come onto me, who were so out of it, that I politely put them back in their right room to sleep it off. I am a bit mean about it - I let them pass out in their clothes, and if I think they will sleep rough, I will take their shoes off, and put another blanket over them. People are quite hard on their judging the situation you faced if you were molested and raped. I still have people in my past locked in their denial systems about what happened. Even when I told one of the biological parents – she just did not want to register the fact that it happened to her own kid. It took her 7 years to finally accept the information. 7 years? Denial is not a luxury I can afford. Cheers, Helyx Guys can talk about it, but we get more shamed and isolated because of it by society. We are condemned if we say we were molested. Women do get more empathy if they were molested than guys do. They just think we are gay, are not strong, and are lesser men if we expose it happening to us. It’s like a stupid male betrayal bit. It did not make me gay – but I will say it did affect me wanting to have relationships with females after the sexual abuse I faced from 2 women at such an early age. The strange part about it is that I never hated women because of it. I just realized at that age that not all people were like that. I did deal with the members of my biological family who hated the opposite sex. That was a hard environment to live through. That had more effect on my choice of sexual identity than by the sexual abuse. So you can throw that other myth out the window. I still like women in a physical way, but I don't act on it. The woman I did want to marry died years ago. I will say I miss female affection, but it's my own personal choice now how my life is. I just don't want a family anymore - fed up with the whole concept of it since I never really knew it. If anything, being molested killed that desire in me to have my own family. I would have had to have made a family in secret, keep them in hiding, because I never wanted them exposed to the hatred, or the unpunished molesters that are still connected there. I could never make any female live like that, so I made other choices. I just felt that I could not provide the normal healthy connections outside of my created family to make sure they had a good healthy social life. I know how children like to have contact with grandparents, and extended family and family associates. It just was not a risk I would put any child through. Don’t worry. I have a great-adopted family. So I get some glimpses. It’s a torture when people tell me I would have made a great dad. I made a great dad by not becoming one. Some people will never understand that. This post has been edited by helyx: Dec 5 2006, 12:13 PM |
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